Motivation

Motive is defined as something (as a need or desire) that causes a person to act. We need motivation to do lots of things in life. OK, most things. Losing weight, getting a new job, hobbies, getting out of bed in the morning . . .

What motivates me right now? Not much. I'm doing a blog as an experiment to help myself figure out what I want to do when I grow up. Frankly, my problems with my existence right now are interfering with that experiment. I want feedback from those that I care about to help me sort these things out and I'm not getting much. This isn't a bad thing. It just proves what I've suspected all along. What's come out of my therapy so far is that I put too much importance on what my family thinks. When I don't get a lot of discussion from them or my friends, I internalize that as rejection even though I know that it isn't. Everyone has a life that includes day to day living and other things that don't include me. I'm NOT being rejected. I'm just not a part of that life. I have spent so much of my adult life existing as a mother, daughter, sister and so forth - being involved in that day to day stuff. I am not part of that now. My parents and brother are dead. My kids are adults with children of their own and are doing exactly what I wanted for them as they grew up. Stable, self-reliant and happy individuals creating their own families. So what the heck is my problem? Everything is working out exactly as it should.

I guess I never thought beyond that time when everyone is doing their own thing. I didn't plan on being alone yet had no control over my husband dying before we got a chance to have a "sunset" portion to our lives. It's been long enough since he died to adjust to that fact so my resistance is not logical. Guess that's what I need to be working on now.

You know, I don't think a blog was necessary. A journal would have worked just as well and I wouldn't take a chance on exposing myself to others. hmmmmm. OH, now I get it. Guess I did have a reason for the blog. Well now that I'm exposed, I think I'll go get covered up.

Black Friday Poem

The day after Thanksgiving and all through the house,
EVERYONE's stirring, even that mouse
What's so exciting? all the children say,
Why are we leaving our house on this day?

School's out! Why can't we have fun?
I wanna play and get out in the sun.
I don't understand why we can't play.
What so darn special about BLACK FRIDAY?

We still have food from yesterday's meal
To heat up and eat up so what's the big deal?
It's stupid to get up before the sun
I just went to bed, my sleepin's not done.

To get in the car and go to the store
To wait in a line - they haven't opened the door!
A special? A SPECIAL? A SPECIAL, you say?
There's nothing special about this dumb BLACK FRIDAY!

I'm just a kid and I see what they did.
Those advertisers fooled you, their intentions they hid.
They're after your money, hide your wallet - you dolt!
OH NOOOOOO! They got you before you could bolt!

The computer you wanted - it was a steal!
But look at this one! It's more but, hey, what a deal.
Oh, they only had fifty, we're fifty-one, you say?
We're not having much luck on this BLACK FRIDAY.

Wait, what do you mean? That one's been sold?
There aren't any more is what we are told.
But for 800 more than we wanted to pay
We can get a karaoke machine, whadda ya say?

Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind?
You wanted a computer and what did ya find?
An expensive machine that we don't need,
But what a great buy, hunh? ARE YOU ON WEED?

They are out to get you, don't you know?
They take your money, your budget you blow!
BLACK FRIDAY is a myth, it isn't true.
An advertising ploy against me and against you.

Next year remember, Thanksgiving plus one day,
Hide your keys, hide your wallet, in your home you must STAY!
Don't let them entice you to their stores on that day
Then maybe, just maybe you'll survive BLACK FRIDAY.

by Gramama written on BLACK FRIDAY 2007

On Assignment

Hello all:

My assignment for tonight is to investigate my feelings on HOLIDAYS.

What a scary word. When I was a child it was great. No school, no homework, all the TV I wanted - what could ever be wrong with that? It wouldn't take long for the boredom to set in and thoughts about how long before it was time to go back to the regular world. As I grew older, holidays were even less exciting.

Then came adulthood - and reality. Holidays are hyped up to be a reason to get together with family and "bond". Who are they kidding?????? One person does the majority of the work to make one meal that is inhaled in a matter of moments with a group of people that you don't spend a whole lot of time with during the year. This is a "Kodak Moment". Picture the cook looking down at the table that has been devoured by a grazing herd of bickering relatives. The remains of the meal are waiting to be put away, the dishes to be washed and order restored. Everyone has scattered to separate parts of the house in little groups of who they are comfortable with. Aunt Jane avoids Uncle Ross; cousin Petey tortures little Rosie; Grandma asks whichever uncomfortable kid she's able to catch as they run past, "So, how's school?" What fun this bonding thing is! Why don't we bond more during the year??

"CLICK"

Maybe you should take that little camera into the kitchen with the cook who has a stunned look on his/her face; wondering how all that preparation could be for a meal that is over so quickly. Go down the hall and take a picture of little Mandy as she sits in the corner of a dark room, miserable because she wants to go home and play rather than be with cousin Candy who looks down her nose at Mandy as if she were a bug.

I've seen lots of different families as they practice this form of politics - Holiday Politics. Some handle it better than others. Some actually look forward to the holiday gathering and don't go away armed with lots of fodder for the next disfunctional family comedy TV series. Others don't fare as well.

Holidays are what you make them. Set your expectations of others too high and you will disappointed. If you expect everyone to get along and like each other because it's a holiday - you will undoubtably find out that folks who don't feel comfortable with each other during the year - guess what? Forcing them together on a holiday will not make them like each other any better. Probably just the opposite.

Maybe this blog should have had a warning attached.

I am thankful for MANY people and things. I am thankful everyday and don't need a holiday to make me so. I have set my expections way too high over the years and when others did not meet those expectations, I was disappointed. I hope that part of my life is over. I expect this holdiay and every other holiday to be another day that we make into whatever suits us.

For those of you worried about dear old Mom being alone on a holiday - don't be. First of all I will be spending some time with my friend, Ruth. She wants to fix a meal so I'm helping her make her Thanksgiving what she wants it to be. As for me, I'm alone every day. It doesn't change just because it's a holiday. You don't become more alone or less alone. It just is. My plans for Christmas includes a few dogs and cats, house sitting for two friends and a day of solitude. Chosen solitude. Planned solitude. Nothing bad. Nothing to fret about or call out the National Guard. I will be OK. What a concept!

To Do: Write a To Do List

One of the things I've learned from this blogging experience is that people will buy anything. There is a lady who had a magazine on To Do Lists and asked people to send her their lists. She has published a book of them and here is the kicker - it looks interesting. I might have to buy the book. SIGH!!

Do you write a to do list? Do you stick to it? As you do something that wasn't on the list do you put it on the list so you can mark it off? For me, I have so many to do list that I have a list of my to do lists. Unfortunately I can't find many of those lists and I couldn't put my hands on my list of lists if you held me at gunpoint. I think the act of putting everything down on paper (or computer) is a way to unclutter my brain. Once it's down somewhere that I won't forget it, it doesn't have to hang over me as "something I need to not forget"

Hey - put a comment down and let me know what YOU think.

Thoughts on Oklahoma City

I've been trying to decide how to write my feelings on the memorial for the OKC bombing. I remarked to Ken while we were walking around the memorial - we as a people tend to forget the horrors that overwhelm us. For this reason we need memorials to remind us and never let us forget. It may seem at first glance that this was the evil of a small number of people but is it? While this may have been the actual work of two men - the evil that was behind it is in the hearts and minds of many. If we allow ourselves to forget the images we saw on April 19, 1995 or September 11, 2001 or any other day that terror was used as a weapon against humanity - we then allow that evil to take hold once again.

I was talking to my Primary class about what I saw and felt while in OKC when I realized that these kids hadn't been born when this happened. It is history to them just as World Wars 1 and 2 and the Korean War are to me. That's when I realized that it really is important to have these memorials to events and people to help us try to not let history repeat itself. Not just for those who remember but for those who didn't live through the tragedy.

Rescue workers, firefighters, policemen, the Armed Forces and other "jobs" that we sometimes take for granted. When a tragedy happens, whether man made or a natural disaster, those people are on the spot to help. We are grateful and thank them profusely. What we need to strive for is showing our gratitude all of the time, not just when we need them.

I've been to lots of memorials in my life. Some are just a marble block with writing, some have lots of symbolism like the memorial in OKC. There is a website for the OKC bombing memorial. Check it out.

Does the Wind Still Blow in Oklahoma

That's the name of a song by Reba on her Duets CD. Now that I've been in OK for a couple of days the title makes sense. They should rename the state The Windy State. Gee!

Coco and I traveled halfway across the US in two days. Tons of people went to the Great Smokey Mountains for the peak weekend of fall colors. I hope they weren't too disappointed. Browns and dull yellow and dull orange were the exciting colors.


Middle Tennessee is where I found the prettiest colors and there wasn't much of it. We stopped when we wanted to, drove at night while others were not on the road and general had fun on our roadtrip. I hope it's just as fun going back.

It is so much fun being with grandkids. Reading books, watching gymnastics, playing with the dogs . . . it doesn't matter what we do or don't do. I could just sit and watch them for hours.

My Halloween

Halloween wasn't a big deal when I was growing up. HOWEVER, once I had children, I became addicted and I enjoyed making the holiday a fun time for everyone. I loved the kids dressing up, handing out candy and yes, I dressed up too. I always made a big pot of chili on Halloween so everyone could eat when they felt like it and it was warm and yummy for a cold night.

Somewhere along the way the adults ruined Halloween. They became worried about the "message" being sent to kids. You know, evil, the devil, spooks and the supernatural and so forth. Halloween is what you make it. I wanted to make it fun and now everyone is talking about HOLYween and Harvest Night or Fall Festival. For crying out loud, people, it's an excuse to dress up and visit neighbors and get more candy than can be eaten in a month.

Tonight was better than the last few years of Halloweens. I dressed up as Marilyn Monroe - 50 yrs later. Rouge slicks on my cheeks, gold eye shadow caked on and BRIGHT red lipstick - smeared. I kept trying to have lipstick on my teeth but I kept eating it.

Next I went to Graham and went Trick or Treating with My Little Pumpkin, Tyler. He's so cute! Pepper was dressed as Yoda and their neighborhood was perfect for Trick or Treat. Here are some picture of the night. NOTE: Mommy was NOT to thrill when Pawpaw gave Tyler a butterscotch sucker, but he knew just what to do with it!

One day my kids will stop making faces or hiding from the camera but today wasn't the day. Happy Halloween!