Being Gramama

I am soooooooo blessed.

For some reason, I’ve always believed that I wouldn’t live long enough to enjoy being Gramama. It might have to do with the fact that after Robbie died my prayers every day included that I be able to live long enough to see my children grown and self-reliant. I kinda feel like I’m living through the icing on the cake. That icing is grandchildren.

Even though I don’t get to be with them all the time, I can talk to them on the phone and hear about them through blogs, pictures and so forth. IT IS GREAT!

I was able to spend some time with Tyler on Friday and I was in hog heaven. He is such a sweet spirit. He giggled, smiled, laughed and told me all about Pepper (Pep Pa), his dog. I had a wonderful time and I think he did too.

To the parents of my wonderful grandchildren, the grandchildren who are here now and those who will be here in the future, thank you for letting me be Gramama and enjoy the icing on my cake. I love you!

Self Worth

Recently I have had basically the same conversation with 4 different women. This concerns me for several reasons. One - How do they recognize me as someone with the same affliction? Two - How many women feel this way and DON'T verbalize their feelings? Three - How do we deal with the problem?

The basics of these conversations deal with how they see themselves and whether they are worthy for the blessings they already receive and how they feel "out of sync" with the people they are with on a daily basis. The "I don't belong" Syndrome is a very real problem and needs to be addressed. The next little bit is not me or any one person but is a composite of some of the things I've heard from others and some of it is from me.

I am an intelligent woman. I know that I deserve a good, happy life. I know that I am a good and honest person who strives to do my best for me and for others. Yet I feel that I don't belong - anywhere. I feel so alone. I try so hard to serve others and want to be loved. Yet I feel unworthy of the good things that happen to me and feel guilty sometimes when I see people I deem more righteous, more worthy, just MORE - and those good people are dealing with trials that they don't deserve. Sometimes I wonder why those around me don't point their fingers at me and whisper about why I am included in their group. There have been times that others have hurt my feelings by making comments they think are innocent of harm yet cut me to the core. Surely I am not lovable, I am not comfortable being with those that I associate with and respect. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Now before my family sends me to a different therapist and/or locks me away - These are observations of some of those around me, so put the net down.

Is it the way we are brought up? Is it the pressures that women have that men will never understand? Is it in the water? And once again - HOW do they know that I'm in the club with them? The most important question - What do we do to help ourselves?

One more quote

Jacquelyn Mitchard said,

"Cats regard people as warm furniture." I actually agree with this as well as the fact that cats think that humans only purpose on earth is to operate the can opener. HOWEVER, I would like to change the quote just a tad. . .

My chihuahua regards me as a warm blanket and a place to snuggle when sleeping. You can quote me on that!

Musings

There is a quote from Anna Quindlen that I ran across again today. "Think of life as a terminal illness, because if you do, you will live it with joy and passion, as it ought to be lived." If you think about it for a minute, what does it say to you?

In the past 15 years I have been to so many funerals that I can no longer count them. Most of them were friends and family that I felt had died "too soon". For one thing, they expected many more years to do the things they wanted to accomplish in life. Some of them had at least a little notice but some woke up that morning expecting to go back to their own bed that night. We aren't guaranteed warning. We actually got that when we came to earth in the beginning. I can imagine how it went. (Give me a little leeway, it's imagined, ok?)

There I was all excited for my next adventure. I was going to Earth! I was going to get a body, as a baby, of course. My coach in Heaven was prepping me for my trip and made sure I had everything I needed. As I'm getting ready to leave, she said, "Remember, dear. Your time on Earth is very short. Don't waste your time on goofy things. Get all the knowledge, memories and happiness you can cram into that life. This is your warning and you won't get another one. Now have fun and I'll see you when you get back." I got my hug and took off for Earth.

I do know some of those that died had felt a sense of urgency in their last few years. The best example is my mother. As she was getting weaker but before she was too weak to do anything, she took two courses to accomplish two things she had always wanted to do. She took an EMT course and an American Sign Language Course. When she was finished she was qualified to do both. She did something about her goals in life. Admirable.

Two of the things I have wanted to do and am slowly working on - I want to visit (and attend a session) in as many temples as I possible can. I also want to visit as much of the United States as possible (and any other part of the world). I'm hoping to add to these two "things accomplished" lists each year. Actually, since my kids have moved all over the place, they have helped me. Cool, hunh?

Easter Sunday = Duke Gardens

Self Portrait
I was carrying a quilt, a bag with dog toys, treats, my phone, camera stuff and so forth. Can you tell?

When I was a child we had the Family Reunion on Easter Weekend. Part of the tradition was to dress up in your Easter clothes and everybody pile into cars and go to Duke Gardens to admire the spring flowers and take pictures. This tradition was continued even after the reunions switched to a different weekend and different place. It was just something we did.
Today it was just Willow and me so I thought I would send Duke Gardens to you. If you haven't been lately you should go back if you get the chance. It has grown tremendously and is changing every year. Bryan and I went several times while he was sick and I haven't been there in nearly a year. I was surprised at the changes just from last year. Enjoy and Happy Easter.

Once Upon A Time . . .

Many, many years ago, there was a young woman raising three very small children by herself during a not very pleasant divorce. It was the first Easter that the Easter Bunny would be coming to the house with the help of one parent instead of two. This woman was tired all the time because of working a full time job and working as a full time mom of a 4 month old, a two year old and a four year old. To help the EB do his job this lady had prepared by purchasing a bunch of candy and gifts, green grass and baskets for the children of the household. She placed these things in a little shed outside the house, way up high so the kids wouldn't find them before the EB could put everything together and place the completed baskets for the children to find on Easter morning. All was ready and the woman was pleased to be so prepared.

The morning of Easter - or the night before, however you look at 3:30 am, this woman was sound asleep and dreaming sweet dreams. Suddenly, this woman went from sound asleep to standing on her feet with her heart beating a million miles an hour. OH MY GOODNESS! She forgot it was Easter and had not gotten up to let the EB in the house! She rushed outside in the cold night in her pajamas. Like a crazy person she got the baskets down (I guess the EB must has put them together?) and rushed inside to place the baskets for the EB. Of course, by that time the adrenalin was pumping and sleep would not come for the weary.

Easter morning the children woke to find the EB's work and they lived happily ever after.

Camping Memories

This is the why I love to camp story. Camping was a big part of my growing up years. We started small with a tent, cots and not much else and took off for Morehead City and Bogue Inlet on weekends. These were beach campgrounds that had little shade but lots of fun for a little girl. We had movies of me and Scott jumping off of the sand dunes that we would watch over and over just so we could back them up and fly backwards to the top of the dune. One movie that was a favorite to watch showed Mom and Dad "wrestling" in the ocean with the waves coming at them. They were out far enough for the water to be chest high. We were so grossed out to find out that Dad was "making moves on Mom" and was trying to tug her bathing suit bottoms off to torture her and make her stay in the ocean while he waved her bathing suit around to embarrass her. The joke backfired on him when a large wave crashed over him when he wasn't looking and he wound up with a mouth full of water, upside down in the ocean with his butt and legs waving in the air. While we laughed and made fun of him when we were watching the movie, he would pretend to be annoyed and grumble about us enjoying watching him drown and that we were evil children. Making that movie go backward was hilarious.

This was where we spent a week with 3 of Dad's grown cousins. I don't think they had ever been to the beach before so it was a fun experience. One of the cousins worked at a dry cleaners with hot steam and the awful sunburn she had became a problem when she went back to work. Her stomach had become blistered and she got really sick. The part I remember about this week in particular was how painful the sunburns were for two of the cousins and me. Noxema's initial coolness was the only thing that helped but would soon start heating up and become miserable again. This was also the vacation when I stepped off of the step at home as we were packing the car - just as our neighbor's dog, Blackie, was chasing a cat and I broke my foot and was in a "jelly boot" for the entire week. I couldn't play on the beach and had to be carried everywhere. Let's see, can't play or have fun in any way, not mobile or able to even go to the bath house by myself, could only sit on a blanket while others had fun around me and get the worst sunburn of my life - oh, yeah - can you tell me WHY I remember this week with fondness? Me either.

Next memories will be about Lake Arrowhead, Buggs Island, the mountains and finally really camping.