Motive is defined as something (as a need or desire) that causes a person to act. We need motivation to do lots of things in life. OK, most things. Losing weight, getting a new job, hobbies, getting out of bed in the morning . . .
What motivates me right now? Not much. I'm doing a blog as an experiment to help myself figure out what I want to do when I grow up. Frankly, my problems with my existence right now are interfering with that experiment. I want feedback from those that I care about to help me sort these things out and I'm not getting much. This isn't a bad thing. It just proves what I've suspected all along. What's come out of my therapy so far is that I put too much importance on what my family thinks. When I don't get a lot of discussion from them or my friends, I internalize that as rejection even though I know that it isn't. Everyone has a life that includes day to day living and other things that don't include me. I'm NOT being rejected. I'm just not a part of that life. I have spent so much of my adult life existing as a mother, daughter, sister and so forth - being involved in that day to day stuff. I am not part of that now. My parents and brother are dead. My kids are adults with children of their own and are doing exactly what I wanted for them as they grew up. Stable, self-reliant and happy individuals creating their own families. So what the heck is my problem? Everything is working out exactly as it should.
I guess I never thought beyond that time when everyone is doing their own thing. I didn't plan on being alone yet had no control over my husband dying before we got a chance to have a "sunset" portion to our lives. It's been long enough since he died to adjust to that fact so my resistance is not logical. Guess that's what I need to be working on now.
You know, I don't think a blog was necessary. A journal would have worked just as well and I wouldn't take a chance on exposing myself to others. hmmmmm. OH, now I get it. Guess I did have a reason for the blog. Well now that I'm exposed, I think I'll go get covered up.
2 comments:
sad post, mom. i love you and hope that you do figure it out and find true happiness that puts a huge smile on your face from the moment you wake up until the time you go to bed. can't wait to see you next week. carter and tim are excited, too. kayleigh is just not old enough to care.
I agree with Jennifer. I hope you find happiness and peace. I have told you that I hppe that you start dating again. I know you just laughed at me but I think that you need to open yourself up to that possiblility again. You are a great catch and any man would be lucky to have you. If you can't find a good LDS man there you could always come out here for a while. ;)
Post a Comment