Christmas for me.

I was out in the western part of the US last week to celebrate Christmas. I was able to visit with most of my kids, kids-in-law and grandchildren and for me this was my Christmas celebration. For me it's all about family so a day on a calendar doesn't mean a whole lot.

As I was growing up I got that feeling from Christmas even though it was normally just the four of us. Some years we would celebrate with Dad's family but I don't ever remember celebrating with Mom's family. It's weird because my brother didn't have the same warm fuzzy feeling about our years growing up.

The main thing that I have learned about holidays, celebrations and families came when I was an adult and the most important thing I learned too late. When I married my second husband, the holidays became very stressful and not as much fun because of those nasty expectations I've come to dislike. It was expected that we get up early and go over to his mother's house with no regards to the kids getting a chance to enjoy "Santa" or for the fact that I had parents also. Any time spent away from the official celebration was considered a disappointment and heaven knows everything I did was disappointing. We would try to arrange a celebration at our house at a different time and that always backfired. I would be punished for months because of stuff like that (by his mother, not him. He was frustrated too.) We were the only ones with kids at that time. Later when other kids came along things changed a little but by then my kids were older and didn't get the same feelings on Christmas morning. The holidays were monopolized by that side of the family while we would defy the opinions and rush to my parents for an hour and then rush back. That's the lesson I learned. By the time I realized how little time I spent with my mother on a holiday she loved, it was too late. She had already died. I do not blame his mother or the family because - I allowed it. I should have stated that we were going to spend x amount of time at home with our little family, x amount of time with my parents and x amount of time with his family and if his mother didn't like it then we would suffer the consequences. The funny thing is that I spent years trying to get her to approve of me, to like me and she never did. So why was it so important to try? She wasn't going to be happy with me anyway. We should have set the rules and stuck by them.

All this rambling for this point. I go out west to see my kids in the "off" times. I try not to go on Christmas because I know my kids have in laws to see for the holidays. I've set an example to my kids by not making it a priority to be where I wanted to be on a holiday. A bad example. It's a shame. If nothing else, I hope they learn from my mistake and take control of how they want to spend their special times. Of where they want to be and when they want to be there. Maybe they will be better examples for their kids.

So I stand back and let others have the holidays that I no longer think are special. I know that sounds sad but you know what? I don't think so. I saw my kids and their families and I had a great time. I no longer let a date dictate to me what I should be doing and where I should be. I think that's pretty cool. We'll see if the therapist thinks so.

I debated on whether to be this open and frank about a topic that could be considered touchy but since only one of my children seems to ever read this maybe I'll be safe. If not, oh well, shoot me. My doc thinks this is helping me and that's why I'm doing it.